Kung Fu Kelvin Korporation
(war sounds) *boom* *kaboom* *pewpewpewpew* Hey, It’s me again, your favorite journalist and salesperson, Sniffie McPot! Today, we interrupt Channel 0 Fux News’ global catastrophe programme to introduce to you one of our biggest sponsors: the Kungfu Kelvin Korporation. So first off, we have a high tech product that revolutionized the world of design and science from two years ago. Here, I’ll let head scientist Anita Dump explain the rest. Hi, I’m Anita Dump, the head scientist of KKK. The one next to me is my protege, Anita Sheet I will start by introducing the humble origins of our company. When our founder was young, he was deeply fearful of Chinese people because their food was too spicy even though he found Asian women sexy. In his twenties, he earned a degree in white supremacy in Colombia, the country. But due to constant exposure to stingrays in his lab, his life was swiftly ended by cancer. In the last 3 minutes of his life, he decided to create a Korporation that would serve to protect vulnerable young people from the dangers of the world by developing products of the future. He also nobly wrote into his will to donate his large fortune to kissanime.ru and pottermore. Right here, I have one of our first inventions, made using the chemical equation: Nobelium+Silicon=Nobelium+Silicon+Radium+Cerium (NO+SI=NO+SI+RACE) It may sound absurd or incomprehensible to most, but these glasses effectively prevent you from seeing race by preventing you to see at all. Here we have broadway superstar AJ Kapa to describe his firsthand experiences regarding these life-changing glasses. Yo. It’s me again. AJ Kapa. There’s no way to describe the effects of these pair of glasses had on me with common words. They’re just too incredible. The other day I was performing Riverdale the musical on Broadway with these glasses on and I realised something. We are all black. Race is a government conspiracy. Technology that is publicly recognized by a Broadway superstar? What more can you ask for? And only for 400.99 right now on the markets. Next, we have items in a pod that all the kids would love. Please behold: paper pods. This highly fashionable product is made with love from our incredible partner company, Banana. They prevent you from hearing foreign languages so that you never have to be afraid again. After all, you can’t hear scary foreigners if you can’t hear! This product coats your ears with the chemical Sodium Nickelate (NaNi ̶O̶2̶) which is 420% safe for human use. Here we have Ms. Bhompson, an extremely satisfied customer of our paper pods. How have these paper pods changed your life? Wow Bodi, that’s truly ear-opening. I’ll be sure to buy a pair myself. Available now for only 99 cents. However, you would also need to buy a charging case, which is $4000.99. Next, we have a sneak peak of an upcoming product that will be released next winter. Recently, our research team encountered other researchers with ToWeLS on their heads. We were immensely scarred by this experience. We could not believe that people worshiped other gods. A M E N. *tappy tappy* That is why we intend to push this product, the Bottle of BeGone, onto the market to protect our kin, the children of Jesus. This tiny bottle contains immense power. The liquid in this bottle, H2O^2, is created by adding water into water. With just one spray, you have the power to repel people with different religions and heathens. Here’s a demo. *spritz spritz* *ded* This product, the Bottle of Begone, will soon be available for only 40000.99. Right now, we’ll have renowned scientist, psychologist, and Airbender, Avatar Aang, to verify the science behind our products. In psychological terms, a pheromone is a chemical secreted by animals that can attract other animals of their own species. When the Kungfu Kelvin Korporation research team introduced the product to me, I was initially skeptical. But then, I understood that through H20^2, they had replicated the chemicals secreted by angry middle-aged housewives to effectively repel heathens. Therefore, the power derived from the anti-pheromones is unquestionable! Uh oh. So, there you have it. It is doubtless that all KKK products are life-changing and rooted in reliable science. If you’re white and born at a young age, all three products will come to you for free. Now, Fux News will uninterrupt the world catastrophe programs. See you soon on Ebay and at church.