Kung Fu Karl – Dwarf at the Super Bowl (Pilot)


[Karl:] Woo hoohoohoo! Sorry about that, Mr. Toilet. I don’t know what I ate,
but it was like hot lava shootin’ out of my- Oh, whoops. This sucker’s been recording! Okay. Uh…
Time to start the show, I guess. Now, how do I, uh… Hey, folks! Welcome to “Life Lessons” with me, your old pal, Kung Fu Karl. Now, when I’m not using
the internet for watchin’ cat videos, searchin’ out ancient Chinese pornography, or tryin’ to enter the Matrix, I like to put this little show together, pick out a topic of the day, And pass along nuggets
of wisdom I call “Life Lessons.” So let’s start the show, shall we? No? Well, fuck you. We’re gonna start anyway. Today’s topic is: The Super Bowl! Now, football, Or as the Europeans call it,
“American Soccer Handball,” Is the most popular sport in the US. And once a year, the two best
teams face off in the Super Bowl. An epic battle for glory and fame, plus an excuse for me to get shitfaced and eat a bathtub full of nachos. Now, it’s easy to go overboard during this time of year, And it brings me to the Life Lesson of the Day: Now you’re probably asking yourself, “What the hell does that mean?” Well, how about you back off for
a second and let me explain it, dickface? The year was 1969 and I was on top of the world. I had just finished boning Goldie Haan …’s assistant’s dogwalker, and as a reward for my good sexin’, she gave me two tickets to the Super Bowl! Well, I gave her a big hug jammed my boner into her thigh, and said I can’t wait to take my good pal Ricky the Dwart! Now, Ricky was a little guy
but he packed a whole lot of crazy into that tiny frame. He thought it would be a good idea to drink some “Insano Sauce” before the game. It’s a combination of hard liquor, LSD, and either mermaid or unicorn blood, I can never quite remember. Anyway. That stuff kicked in real quick,
and the next thing you know I’m in the stand karate-chopping
some stupid kid’s face when I can swear the quarterback’s
telling me to get in the game! So I put on my helmet, grabbed that football, Headed for the inzone and scored the winning touchdown! Turns out it wasn’t the “winning touchdown,” as much as it was “Inciting a riot” and
“Numerous counts of attempted homicide.” Luckily, me and Ricky managed to hop in my car and get out of there while everything
was still all chaotic and whatnot. As while we drove off,
me and Ricky had a real good laugh about what just happened. … And then he died of a
massive brain hemmorhage. So, I hope you all learned
something from today’s life lesson. Never bring a dwarf to the Super Bowl. ‘Cuz after you use him as a helmet, he’s gonna die of a massive brain hemmorhage and bleed out all over your new car seats. I still can’t get that stain out. It’s one of the worst things
that ever happened to me. Well, that’s it for this week. I gotta go put another hurtin’ on Mr. Toilet. But, I’ll leave you with
Karl’s Bonus Lesson of the Week. Bring your own pool stick to a billiard’s hall, and people will think you’re good at pool. Bring a giant rubber dildo to strip club, and you’ll just get arrested. KFK!

96 thoughts on “Kung Fu Karl – Dwarf at the Super Bowl (Pilot)

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