I came in here for Karate Ba— That… That baby with the fish… That’s lookin— I don’t think you should hold a baby like that, guy on the right with the beard and the beanie… I don’t know… Is that— Is that guy in the raincoat the guy from the… y’know, tha— the frozen fish stick box? Is that you? Oh… Oh! Ok… Awh, It’s— it’s everybody who made it, and do they each have kids? alright Hi. Hi… Don’t look at me like that! Woah ok! alright! They’re all dead now! [Captain: Those floating fathers of the sea!] OHHHH!
[Rap music starts] I get it. Hi. Hello everybody! My name is Markiplier and welcome to Dersh- Draymond Green… Draymond Green’s Shut Up and Sl— Ok, alright then! “In a Rec Center somewhere in America”… [Rapper: Don’t be a punk!] “Hello Mr. Green, I’m afraid there’s been a mix up. We’ve accidentally double booked your charity basket ball event.” “Oh no! But my friends Chris Paul, Metta World Peace and others have taken time out of their schedules for the children!” “Hundreds of people have already shown up for a *laughs* karate demonstration.” “Ms. Lady, I don’t think we have a problem after all.” “Y’all should know how much I love karate.” [Pumpin’ instrumental] [Rapper: I’m gonna dunk!] What? You’re gonna dunk and kick me in the junk?!?
[Rapper: J-J-J-Jump!] Ok, I’m gonna try not to lose my mind about this, but this might either be the most amazing experience of my life or the most horrifying, so, I don’t- I don’t know- i don’t- i don’t know I’m gonna be on the King *laugh* Cobras.. [Rapper: Two of those things make your body drop.] [Rapper: Round two, karate master…] I’mma- I’mma go for this because.. [Rapper: I’m gonna dunk!] I… I— I got— I got.. I got no— I got- Okay alright, it’s just me now. [Announcer: We’re just about ready for the tip.] [Announcer: I’ve been told we’re about to witness the first historic incarnation of–] [Announcer: Karate Basketball!]
M: I’VE NO IDEA HOW TO PLAY OOAAAH-KAY Ooooh- aAAAAH ‘KAY How do I grab the goddamn ball? Ow! Excuse you, sir. This is not civil! Can I— I wasn’t ready alright? Can I just- How do I grab— oooh okay— NO! Owwie Okay so I— Eh, eh, STHAAAAPPP! Ha! Ahh! AHAAA! Okay, give it to me! Gimme.. gimme the ball. Gimme the ball! Gimme the ball! Gimme the ball— HUAAAH Ooops, okay.. Okay— UAAAAAH YEEAAAH! Ohkay, I think I’m playing basketball, I’m learning how to slam p-correc-bably Okay— ow, jeez, my nads. [Announcer: It’s a man’s game.] Okay, alright then.. This is working out.. [Announcer: Launches from–] [Announcer: restraining order distance!]
OOOOOOHHHHH! We are destroying them! Don’t get up. Don’t even THINK about getting up. That’s right, don’t get up, don’t— Ohh.. oh, oh, oh… Don’t. Don’t. Nice Oh. Oh no. Aha. Okay, I got it. Hoh! Woooaaah, that’s not what I meant to do. HAAA-BOOSHK Okay, alright. I’m gettin’ it, I’m gettin’ into it. I’m gettin’ into this. I like it a lot. Hoooly crap, we are destroying them. *chuckles* [Announcer: Ohh. My. Goodness.] “OH my goodness.” oH, UNSTOPPABLE! THAT IS A SLAM JAM! Hohh, three points.
[Announcer: Bippity boppity, show me the zoppity!] “Show me the zoppity?” YAAA!! Boosh, uh-oh, say— hang on, I’m just jumping freely. THERE WE GO! Hoooly crap, this is awesome. *giggles* GO FOR IT MAN! Oh wait.. He has the ball, you have a cup. Why’d you have a cup? [Announcer: Dispossessed!] HA! *giggle* “Dispossessed?” I’m going for it! Hey! St— WOAAAAH? That’s a ‘lil uncalled for— SLAM JAM. [Announcer: That’s a man’s jam.] “That’s a man’s jam.” Or a woman’s jam, I don’t— [Announcer with Country Accent: What was he thinking?] [Announcer: Gripping stuff!] [Country Announcer: Yeah, a couple players still grippin’ their nuts.] [Country Announcer: They’ll wanna ice those as soon as thay get off the court.] WHAAAT? What are you talking about? [Announcer: Scrambling over the loose ball. Super jay.] [Stuttering] Hang on— Let’s— Ha— Let’s— Hang o— Hang on a gosh darn second. KYAAAHB! Hooly shit Alright, you guys need to… you guys need to stop for a gosh darn second here because I need to collect my— I am literally only kicking them in the nuts. That’s ALL I’m doing. Are these guys harder then they were before because it seems to be a little harder to be able to get the ball away from ’em. ♫ IIII’M GONNA GO, FOR THE THREEEE ♫ Oopsies…. God, I used to play… I used to— I used to play NBA Slam Jam ALL the time when I was a kid. HUAAAAAHP Uhp, fRICKIN’ DICK. I’ll kick ya in the nuuts! Alright okay, can- can we just talk about this civilly? WHY IS THERE A BEACH BALL on the…. Okay, alright you guys maybe work- I guess my team mate dunked. OKAY, can I get this ball? throw this ball.. Get out.. get outta here Who are you throwin’ it to? Loser! Loser!! Loser!!! *cackles* HABADA-BE-BOP-BOOPIDY-BOO I’m gonna line this up.. LIKETHAAT Nice! So again- Is that a broken bottle?! This isn’t even a karate tournament anymore! I don’t know what the-
*sees dead guy* WOOOAAAHHH! [Announcer: Looked clean from my angle.] Did it???? [Announcer: Wow! What a game!] Ok, alright. You guys need to calm down here a little bit, because i have no idea. All the kids are very happy about this but I’m still trying to reel my head around it. I don’t even have the- [Announcer:…Karate and basketball!] Alright hang on [whistle] Just hold on, can we just- Can we pause it? How do we stop it? Pause this madness, please! This is for charity! Listen to me, please I am not trying that How do stop this crazy machine? How do I stop? There we go. I dont know what’s going on here, I barely know basketball as it is. That’s Catherine’s specialty but, as far as I know, kicking people in the junk, even if it rhymes, isn’t the right thing to do in these situations we need to talk civilly about this because for charity, we need to remember that it’s for the kids. Unless, in our next charity live stream, you want us to play basketball, and then repeatedly kick each other in the dick… ‘Cause THAT’S an option! I’m not gonna throw it out there. I’ll vet it with the team, but maybe they’re on board with it. So, I bet Tyler would be okay with that. Anyway, I’m gonna try it on “Hard” this time to see how it goes. I’m ready. Bring it on! How much worse could it be? I gotta remember to roll to do damage. Ha! Oh, that’s right. Woah! Hey (x 3) Missed me! (X 2) Dunked it! Ow Dunked it! Oh Dunked it! There we go, thank you for that! ♫ IIII’M GONNA GO FORRR, THE THREE! ♫ Welp, that was a miss. Also, there aren’t even anybody playing from the karate tournament so why would-? Why would we only be worried-? Why is a cooler on the floor? Oukay alright. Hiyaa Hiyah! OOOHHAAAAHHH Haha. Hup… YEAH! How is that TWO POINTS? This is bullshit! The refs are against me! Where is that going? Can I sprint please? Don’t let him dunk! Don’t let him do a Slam Jam on it. Didn’t mean to shoot that. Get it, take that juice! This is apparently just basketball, guys. This is what it always used to be. WHAT A DUNK! Baby, come over here. STOP IT! IT’S MEEE!!! Heh, everybody else is just DEAD on the field! That’s what they call the basketball field, right? The field? That’s what it is. Nice. They’re not gonna- Holy crap. Man, I wish this had like, a mult- online multipl- OWWW! Get ’em, guy! Get ’em! Dammit, come on! Was that a golf club? HOAH !!!! Holy crap! Woah. There’s definitely gonna be a lot of strategy to this. Like, I actually think, conceptually, this is a really cool game. Oh- missed me! Hohhho missed me! Now comes the Slam Jam! Alright, thank you. [Announcer: Slam Jam, thank you ma’am.] Thank you, thank you. That is exactly what I was going for, the “Slam Jam Thank Ma’am.” [Announcer: Behind the arch, the crowd is elated,] [Announcer: after witnessing a stunning display of karate and basketball!] *sarcastic* You can hear them cheering, they’re so happy about it, they’re fun and free, *sarcastic* and doing great with their life. I’m gonna do that again. Haduf! Okay, alright, uh, you didn’t really need me to help out there, because you seem to have it under control. Hiyah. Hiyah. I didn’t know karate involved so much dick kickage. Pass it to me! Pass me the spike! Pass me the L- The Lube! *regret* Pass me the boil! NOOOOO!!! Ow, awch, ow! They’re kicking my butt! Ow, they’re kicking my- Why THEN? Why’d you shoot it THEN? Why shoot it? Why’d you shoot it to me THEN, buddy? NOOO-! Yeah! Oh come on! Get kicked! In the dick! Give it to me, jeezums- WHY DID I DROP THAT?! Go, go! Wha-? WHY?! Why you goin’ that way, buddy?! What are you doin’? What is my teammate doing?! C’mon, gimme, give it, just give it already! Woah! Goddammit! Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah! Goddam- I wanna do something here, can you let me have some fun? [Huah!] Ow, god- Again! How am I always down?! Oh. Okay. Alright then. It was a lot more fun when I was just wiping the floor with you guys. Can you not, do that? You a-hole! Give it to me! NOW! NOW WOULD BE THE RIGHT TIME! GIVE IT TO ME! Thank you. Hoah! Slam Jam. Woaa-! Hey, come on, in midair? Oh don’t do that. Don’t- Who ya passin’ it to? Your teammates on the ground? Can’t! Oh boy, can I get back up please? Hood-jah! Okay, missed me- Uff! Thank you, for finally Slam Jamming while you’re on your own! That, and then the THREEE!!! Nice, oh, we’ve picked up the lead again. Oh, for the- YEAH!!! Woah! That was a GAME WINNING THREE POINTER! Three Pointer Slam Jam! [Announcer: He put in work, kicking Steve Addams in the NUTS all those times in the 2016 Conference Finals,] [Announcer: and it REALLY paid off tonight!] I mean, okay, I get what you’re saying now, but either way, so THAT is, REALLY fun, that is actually legitimately fun. I wish I could play this with other people, because this is- This is really fun! I mean, I’m not saying it’s fun to kick people in the nuts, don’t do that! But, playing basketball at the same time? Totally legitimate. Do that! All day long. I shouldn’t encourage this. [Rapper: Just protect your junk. ]
“Just protect your junk.” THAT’S a good Life Lesson to learn out of this! Michael Jordan, in that basketball ad, he should’ve remembered that, when he was talking about don’t doin’ drugs. Also, “C’mon, don’t do it. It’s not worth it. Protect your junk.” “Eat at Mac-Donald’s.” “Get a six-piece Chicken McNuggets.” “C’mon, McBurgers.” “McChicken. Get your Big Mac.” “Don’t do drugs.” So if you wanna play this for yourself, you can play with friends, because apparently it’s 4 player local multiplayer, because, that’s really fun, and there’s not a lot of couch co-op games lately, and I remember when I was playing, uh, like, uh, the NES- The Super Nintendo version of this, like, way back in the day. Less junk kickage, but a lot more Slam Jams, lotta fun. So, THANK YOU EVERYBODY, so much for watching, there’s a link down in the description for you to play it for yourself. And as always, I will see YOU, in the next video. Buh bye! [“Crazy La Paint” by MiniMusicMan plays] [music slides down] Subscribe! 😀 [slides further, ends]