It’s Always Cloudy in Bridgewater – Ep. 1: “The Gang Writes a Play”


God! These taxes are through the roof, I really need to call my guy about this. Hey Eric! I’ve got great news! We have an opportunity to write our own play! See this trash the school play is putting on? What is that? Beauty and the Beast? What a Joke! Makes no goddamn sense, it’s a bunch of commie bullshit! It’s trash! I feel like me and you together, we can write our own play. It would be a ton better. Yeah, someone has to teach these kids life isn’t some fairy tale. You don’t work hard you’re not going to make anything in this world. Then you are going to go on welfare on my dime! Hey! If you guys are doing a play let me be your main actor. You know I’ve been trying to jump start my career. God dammit Vee, you suck at acting! I’m a great actor you dick! Well, Vee I’m gonna leave you to whatever you want to do. Nick and I are going to do this play. You can do whatever you want. “Intro Music Plays” Vin, what’s this play you are going to be in? What’s the theme of it? Well I hope I’m the main actor! I mean, come on. An actor? Lets not raise the bar too high! You actually think women are going to like you if you are in a play? You know what women like, they like karate and they like manliness Vin! That’s a bunch of bullshit All you need to do is show them your manly physique. Now look at this, I have chest hair. This is bush gardens. What do you got? You got anything started on there? You got a V-neck. How much did you get that for, $5 at Wal-Mart? You look like a naked mole rat! You kidding me? My God! God dammit Vee! Don’t disrespect the V! Do you shave your armpits too? No, no I don’t. Do you wax your back? No. Do you think women, I mean you know, do you think women find that attractive? Do you know women want manliness! Like me, I’m the perfection of what women want! Because I’m manly, I’m tough and I know karate. That’s what women want! I’ll drink to that. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Just go, just get out of here Deep Vee! Why are you here? GO! LEAVE! Go do something with your life! Jesus, just always in my business. Like a plank of wood. Anyway…We should go pick up women? Uh, lets go to Chipotle, you know? I mean we both can go, but we know what’s going to happen. I mean I’m going to get all of them and you’re just going to sit there. Why don’t we just check the resume actually. Oh, your resume, you keep tabs? I can definitely get all the women, my prime karate skills are unmatched! Ok, no no no no no. Remember a Wade Jenkins back in the 6th grade? No. Yeah, you tried to tickle her unibrow? You were like, “hey this is a caterpillar , look!” It’s just moving on a tree. You’re just making that up. And then she called the police. That never happened. We didn’t know each other in the 6th grade. Was that me actually? No, that was you. Yeah, you’re a sex offender. LET’S JUST GO TO CHIPOTLE! you know. Anyway, I know my karate skills, you want to see something impressive? Oh yeah! And Vin, and Vin can act! Ok, yeah I’m sure you have karate skills, sure, ok. Want to see my karate skills? I know it hurts, but if I scream I won’t look manly. Alright Eric, it’s time to write this pay. So uh, let me just turn the computer on and see if we can get it working here. Alright. Its friggin freezing! COME ON WORK! Why don’t you just get a new one Nick, it’s been awhile. I barely have enough money to pretend to pay you guys. What? Uh, never mind. You try! Alright, let me take a look at this. Yeah, slap it like a broad!! YEAH! Uhhh, it’s not really working Nick. Plan B Eric! Plan B? Yeah, ha ha ha! Hold it for me. Put it down! Woah, we can’t drop our beer! Well I guess we’re gonna have to get a new one. I guess will go to the notepad. Okay. And that’s why I use margarine as shampoo. So it’s greasy? It gets right through there. WOAH!!!!!!!! Who’s that? You see that guy? Nick, taking a selfie? That’s not Nick. WOW! He really does look like Nick though. I’m pretty sure that’s him. But guys can’t take selfies. He probably shaves his chest. He probably shaves his chest, I guarantee it. Guys can’t take selfies, that’s against the internet laws. There are laws of the internet you can’t break those laws. I think that’s Nick or maybe just a woman with a buzz cut who’s taking a selfie of himself. Is that a guy? Is he taking a selfie right now? If it is then we probably should beat him with bats right now. Ah, what a jabroni. That is a prime example of what a jabroni is. Why is he not a Macey’s right now, I don’t understand? Just got to Starbucks and get one of those mocha frappe fruity drinks. Frappe latte fruit salads, okay. I can’t handle these people. Let’s…WOAH!!! Shut the…. What? What? Doesn’t mater, doesn’t mater, doesn’t matter. What, what, what? I’m pretty sure I see a uh angelical antelope that I want to mount right now. Woah. This lion is purring. I se where you are pointing Is she sticking up her tail? She’s sticking up her tail. She’s looking at me. I want to smell her scent. I think she’s looking at me. I’m pretty sure she’s looking at you, no I don’t think so. I’m just making eye contact. Uhhhhh, I’m pretty sure that means it’s fear. She wants my Big Mac It’s fear! No, no that is engagement. That is encouragement. Save me from this monstrous little down syndrome child. She wants me to go talk to her! Okay, why don’t you go uh.. We’ll settle this like men, we’ll rock, paper, scissor, who ever…. So hey, hi, you like uh Chipotle? What’s your name, I’m, I’m Matt. Cassandra. You like Mexican food? Beans and beans and rice? I like beans and rice. What are you doing here all by yourself? I’m simply waiting for a friend. Uh, well I’m the only friend you need right now. That’s basically how it is going So what else do you like? In to anything? You know I know karate, I’m real, I’m big, I do manly things. Do you like manly thing? Like karate? I mean every girl like karate. Did I mention I do karate? Yes, you did. I do a lot, you like anything else? Theater. Oh…You like…I happen to be director…producer…directing producer of the school play. So when’s this play showing? Un, you know, uh, probably in like soon. Definitely soon, you can come with me and will go back and watch. You wanna watch my produce, directing that I’ll also be in? You can come down to our bar and uh watch it. Sure, when. Uh, you know. Like…now! Shh! We takes these chips and dip them in your guacamole? Hmm? Call me. Alright, so um…Nick I think I’m on to something here. Well. What the hell are you drawing there Eric? Well, I’m working on, uh, well. Alright, so what I was thinking, was RATS!, RATS! You know, um, well, interpretive dancing. You know. Yeah. RATS? Yeah. I LOVE IT! Well, what’s this rat’s name? Alright, uh, Derek. DEREK? Derek, Derek the rat. Derek the rat? What does Derek do? Well he, he’s, in love with his co-worker, you see. Is she a triangle? Uh, well you know women. With the, the skirt things. Alright. And the Hour to Chow is the place of work. And then, interpretive dancing. Knock, knock, knock. Come in! Hey guys, so I’ve got a wonderful idea for this play thing you’re writing. Can I maybe, possibly tell you about it? Uh, what Vee? What do you want now? Okay, so what if I adapt a movie and make it a play? Like Snow White or Cinderella, I can play either one of those people with ease, come on! Alright, you can, alright if you shut up will let you. Just shut up and will let you be in our thing, okay? Just mister but in his way into everything. Get Out! Get out of here for now! What, Ahh! NO WAY! uh. Damn that asshole. Alright, so is that a party hat? Yeah, I love it. Actually, it’s a crown. A crown? Yeah. For what? Well, I’m the king. Alright! Sounds good to me, lets do this! I call, I call my guys. I feel like a dying Gazelle in the African jungle. Ah, there’s a lot of bugs out here. I’m pretty sure this is where Nick said I can find his guy. Yeah, how do you know? Did you just, you know use MapQuest towards vacant desolate jungle? You’re still in the 19th century with using our little non smartphones. You probably still use typewriters to fill out your taxes. Yeah, keep looking down at your phone like little sheep. bah, bah, bah, bah, bah. This is where Nick said I can find his guy! Who is gonna refine my already well tuned karate skills. Why don’t you look up on your smartphone how to be karate master. Because you have not obviously reached that status. I already have actually, just so you know. And that’s what made me a master. I got a degree and everything… OH YOU DIDN’t SEE THAT COMING! Oh, oh yea. You didn’t see that coming. Listen, listen. Why don’t we just go. Lets just go, lets go. Is that a box? I’m sure he’s around here somewhere.

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