Captain Kung Fu – Knuckleheads Episode 18
(exotic music) – Today, I,
General Stang Lee, am giving you
the enormous honour to compete against the greatest
fighter of all time. (heavy footfalls, growling) You! You go first.
Go, go, go, go, go, go. – Um, uh… me? – Yes! Go on! (blows and sounds of distress) (evil chuckle) Next!
(gulping sound, nervous giggle) (clapping)
– Oh ho ho! Isn’t that amazing? (theme song) (doorbell ringing repeatedly)
– Will you knock it off? I’m coming! – [Hello?]
– Heyyy, Johnny boy! – Mayday! Mayday! This is DC Flight 132! – (drunkenly):That is exactly
how it happened, buddy. (fart noise, gasp) (oriental style music) – Hello, children!
Today, Captain Kung Fu is gonna show you an awesome
move he invented himself. I call it the Dragon Foot. Hiya! – (both): Whoooa.
– To do the Dragon Foot, the first thing you wanna do
is neutralize your opponent by grabbing hold of their nose
with your toes. Hiya! Then, when you’ve got
his nose locked and tight between your toes,
you twist your heel up, which will crunch
your opponent’s nose! Hiya! Any questions? – Uh, yeah, I got a question.
What if you’re wearing boots? – What are you talking about? – What if you see a robber
and you wanna stop him, OK? How are you supposed to do
a Dragon Foot if you’re wearing boots? It snows in this country. We don’t walk around wearing
flip flops all winter. – My purse! – By the time you get your boot
off, and then the other one, and then your socks… I mean, come on, think about it!
The robber’s long gone! – Robber’s long gone,
robber’s long gone! – Look, Captain Kung Fu.
Your move is totally lame. Dragon Foot?
What the hell is that? Show us stuff that we can do
with our boots on! Something a bit more
practical, you know? – Hmm. Well, have you
ever heard of the “I’m-gonna-stuff-your-
move? – Hmm…
– No? – Well, I’m gonna show you. But, uh, next week.
‘Cause class is over now, and Captain Kung Fu
needs to get ready. He’s been invited to compete
in a prestigious tournament… The Stang Lee cup!
(Gong!) – The Stang Lee cup?
What’s that? – It’s a private tournament.
Only the greatest fighters in the world will be there:
the best of the best! – And they invited you? Ha ha! They must have made a mistake,
that’s for sure! – No! It’s a real tournament,
and I’m a real guest of honour. Look: “Most esteemed Captain Kung Fu…”
that’s me, of course, “…General Stang Lee hereby
formally invites you to Stang Lee Island to compete
in the Stang Lee tournament for the Stang Lee cup!” – Whoa! Is it gonna be on TV? – We wanna see the tournament!
We wanna see the tournament! – No, no, no, no, no.
It’s a secret tournament on a private island. No cameras,
no people, no annoying children! So, if you’ll excuse me,
my taxi’s gonna be here soon, and I still need to floss.
See ya next week, kids! (exotic music) – Ahoy there, everyone! We’ll be arriving on General
Stang Lee’s island very soon! My name is Mr. Ping! I’ll be your captain
and tour guide today. So! Are we having fun? Tee hee hee hee hee!
– Ugh, yeah. – I can’t hear you!
Are we having fun? – Yes!
– Great! Great! Griggity great! If you look around, you can see
the beautiful South China Sea which is made of lots of water
and lots of little fishies! Do you like little fishies? – No! – Oh! Why don’t you like
the little fishies? Everyone likes little fishies!
– Please be quiet. – Diet?! Oh, don’t worry
about your diet. Little fishies
won’t make you fat. Mr. Ping eats loads of ’em. And Mr. Ping’s skinny
like an alleycat! Ha! – Please! Stop! Talking! – Oh, no, no. General Stang Lee
is not a king; General Stang Lee
is a General! The whole island
belongs to him. And you can only go
if you’re invited! If you’re not invited,
and you try to go you end up being food for the,
you guessed it, little fishies! (cackling)
Oh, Mr. Ping loves
those little fishies. There you go. This is
Captain Kung Fu’s room. As you can see, it’s got an
excellent view of the gardens, with loooots of little birdies. Do you like little birdies? – No! I hate little birdies! So
thank you very much. Au revoir. Hasta la vista! Sayonara!
– Uhh, OK, but don’t forget, the welcome banquet’s tonight!
Don’t be late! There’s gonna be fried little
fishies on a stick! You like fried little
fishies on a stick? – At last. Some peace and quiet. That guy’s more annoying than
those two monsters in my class. – Surprise!
– Ahh! What are you two doing here? – Well, we came to support you!
There’s no way we’re gonna miss seeing our Kung Fu teacher
compete in a big martial arts tournament!
(making fight noises) Come on, admit it!
You’re happy to see us, ’cause we’re psyched to be here!
– Wait a minute, where’s my gear? My stuff?
Where are my kimonos?! – Oooh, yes… Well,
it was either your stuff, or your number one fans!
Choice is pretty obvious, right? Besides! What’s the big deal? You got your underpants on,
right? All the guys in the UFC fight in their underpants
all the time! – OK, now listen to me,
children. I want you to behave. Don’t talk, don’t move, don’t do
anything! And if I hear one word out of you, I’m gonna stuff
your mouths with, uh… that entire platter of party
sandwiches. You got that? – Take it easy, Captain Kung Fu! Smile! People are gonna
start asking questions about the grumpy weirdo
next to me and my brother. (sigh)
– No way! I don’t believe it! Capitaine Kung Fu! What
the hell are you doing here? – Jean-Claude!
What a great surprise! – (both): Huh! Whoa!
– Whoo hoo hoo! – Children! I gotta introduce
you to my childhood friend. This is Jean-Claude Van Damme,
master of the splits! – That’s right! Everyone has
their speciality, you know. Mine is spreading my legs
all the way! See? Allez hop! Whoo hoo hoo! (both laughing)
– Oh man! I thought you retired and went
to live in a Tibetan monastery! – That’s right, I did!
And I tell you, my friend, I became aware of a lot
of things up there. – Oh yeah? Like what? (long lasting fart noise) (chanting in background) – Tibetan food gives me gas.
Ha ha ha! – Yeah? Right! Cool. Uh, well, anyway, I’m really glad to see you again
in the tournament. – Oh, you too, mon ami! But hey. It won’t be easy for us.
Take a look at those guys. The first one is Chuck Morris. They say his chest hair
is like Velcro. The second one is Steven Beagal. This guy has a black belt
in arm breaking! (grunting and punching noises) The third one is Bruce Bee. They say he can knock
his opponents out with a single scream!
(intense shriek) (ear ringing) – Wooow! And who’s that guy? – What the hell is this? – Uhh, it’s the pineapple juice
you ordered, Master Dragan? – With a straw!
I asked without a straw! I hate goddamn straws!
Are you looking for a fight? You wanna try your luck
with me, you little nancy? Come on, let’s see what you got!
Come on, I’m ready! – Oh, no, no, I don’t want to… – YAAAAAH! (slurping) – Is that guy in the tournament?
(Gong!) – Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome
to your host and my master, the wonderful General Stang Lee! (applause) – Welcome, everyone. If you’ve
been invited to join me as my honoured guests, it’s
because you are considered to be among the greatest fighters
in the world. The cream of the crop.
The best of the best! The crème de la crème. But, by the end
of the tournament, only one of you will leave
with the prestigious… (Gong!)
…Stang Lee cup! (exotic adventure music) (tense oriental music) (Gong!) (grunting and punching noises) (Gong!)
– HOOOOO YAAAAH! (shriek echoes)
Oh? – He he he! (shrieking)
Aahhh! (ear ringing, snickering) – Captain Kung Fu!
Use the Dragon Foot! – Yeah! Crunch his nose
with your toes! – He he he! Oooh! Aaah! – Yay!
(gleeful laughter) (Gong!) – Huh! Huh?
– He he! (Snap!)
– AAAHHHH! (cackling) – YAAAAHHH! (meaty squelch) (gasps)
– JEAN-CLAAAAAAUUUDE! – YEAAAH! HA HA HA! (tranquil oriental music) (sobbing)
– Oh, man. – I’m really sorry
your friend got sliced up like
a salami, Captain Kung Fu. – Yeah, getting sliced
like a salami isn’t cool. – I just can’t believe
I’m never gonna see him again! We were inseparable
when we were young. We were always playing tricks
on each other, you know? – Hey, Capitaine!
You’re flying low! – Oh yeah?
– Allez, hop! (a crash, meowing and barking) – Ha ha ha ha ha! (whistling music) – Hey! You wait
until I catch you! (loud sobbing) – JEAN-CLAAAUUUDE!
I’m gonna miss you, brother! – Hey there, now, Captain. At least your friend died
doing what he loved most… the splits. – Yeah, I guess you’re right! And tomorrow’s your chance
to avenge your friend! – Yeah, we’re gonna
avenge Jean-Claude! – But how am I supposed to beat
that mountain of muscles who can split people in half
with his bare hands?! Agh! – Oh, that’s just
a minor detail. For now, the important thing is
for you to get a good night’s sleep to be in top shape
for tomorrow morning. So, come on, time for beddy-bye! – (sniffling): Yeah.
You’re probably right. I’ll sleep on it. I’ll see
you in the morning, kids. – Good night!
(sobbing) – Oh man, Sammy. He’s gonna get slaughtered
tomorrow. We gotta think of something.
(Segway motor whirring) (ominous note)
Huh? – So. How did you feel
this afternoon when you sliced
that man in half? – Oh, yeah, I really liked it.
It sent this big shiver down my spine,
right into my winky. Is that normal? – Completely normal, champ. Now, General Stang Lee is going
to give you another little shot that will make you even bigger
and stronger than you are now. – Uh, actually,
General Stang Lee, I would like to talk to you
about my… my winky. (sighing)
– What about your winky? – Well… Every time
you give me a shot, sure, I get bigger and stronger,
which is totally cool. But my winky gets smaller,
actually. – That doesn’t matter, champ!
It really doesn’t matter. – Well… for me, it kind of… does? – You ingrate! When
I got started with you, you were just a skinny wimp with
flabby little chicken muscles! Now you’re the greatest fighter
the world has ever seen! All thanks to the secret
serum I’ve created! (evil laughter) (dire music) So no one gives a crap
about your shrinky winky. NO ONE! You got that?
– Yeah, o-OK. OK, General. Never mind.
Yeah. Never mind. (ominous note)
(rumbling, stretching sounds) Aahhh.
– Ha ha ha! – Ho ho ho!
– Tomorrow, you’ll get the final dose: the
life force of Captain Kung Fu! After that, your body
will then contain the DNA of all the best
fighters on the planet, and you’ll be invincible!
(evil laughter) – Hurry, Samuel! We need
to warn Captain Kung Fu! Call the police! Do something!
This guy’s crazy! – This guy’s crazy,
this guy’s crazy! (smashing sound, gasp)
– Who’s there? Quick, let’s go see where
that noise came from. – Yes, General! – Quick, quick, quick!
Hurry, hurry hurry, Samuel! Get inside, and don’t
make a sound, OK? – But what are you gonna do?
– Shhh! (intense music) – What’s up?
– Hey! Wait a minute. Aren’t you that child who’s here
with Captain Kung Fu? – Yep! And I know all about
the serum and the life force, and I guess about that guy’s
winky now and I’m not gonna let you get away with it! (evil cackle)
– Dragan! Put him inside
Captain Kung Fu’s tank! – Right away, General. – Don’t worry. Your teacher
and your little brother will be joining you very soon!
(evil laughter) (tense oriental music) (Dragan growling) – Hiya! – He he he he! – (muffled): Help! Somebody
help me! Get me out of here! – Gabriel! Tell me what to do!
I wanna get you out! – You need to find a way to open
this thing! There must be a button somewhere! (gurgling noise) – Hiya!
– Ha! – Ohhh! Ahhh!
– Ha ha ha ha! (beeping) – Come on, come on! (yelling) – Aaahhh!
(ear ringing) (cackling) (straining) (yelling)
– Ha ha ha ha! (intense music) (Clang!)
– Gabriel, are you OK?! – Don’t worry about me,
I’ll be fine! But hurry! We gotta save Captain
Kung Fu! Dragan’s probably slaughtering him by now!
– But what can we do? – Ha ha ha!
The Stang Lee cup is mine! Ha ha ha!
(grunting in pain) – Captain Kung Fu!
Captain Kung Fu! Don’t worry, we’re
gonna save you! – We’re gonna save you,
we’re gonna save you! – That’s really
nice of you kids, but did you happen
to bring a bazooka? A missile launcher,
something like that? – Nope! We have something
much, much better! – Ah! (rumbling) – Yaaah! Ha ha ha! Dude! I feel amazing
all of a sudden! Ha ha ha! – Kick his ass, Captain
Kung Fu! Kick his ass! – Hiya!
(punching sounds) – Two can play
at that game! (rumbling) (growling)
– Ha ha ha ha! (evil giggling)
(sound of a scuffle) (growling) (roaring)
– Ha ha ha ha! – Huh? (roaring) (yelling) – That’s enough!
I will not tolerate it! I’m the master here! (rumbling and roaring) – Uh oh.
(Boom! Splat!) – (in a high voice):
Well I’ll be damned! (calm oriental melody) It’s a two-stage move:
action, hiya! Reaction. Hiya! Any questions? – Yeah. That’s the crappiest
move I’ve ever seen! – We tried to tell him,
but he won’t listen! – We told you!
– Uhh, I’m sorry, Who here won the Stang Lee cup?
– (sighing): Here we go again. – Alright, we heard it
the first time. – Yeah, come on, Captain! You
have to admit you had some help. – Yeah, sure, I know.
And I’m very grateful to you and your little brother
for helping me. – Oh, don’t mention it. We’re
just glad that you’re back to normal, without, ahem,
too many side effects. – Yeah, apparently you had a
little trouble with your pecker? – Yeah, didn’t y’all have
a weiner that got teeny-weeny ’cause of that serum?
– Ohhhhhh! (all laughing,
Captain protesting) – No, my-my pecker didn’t
shrink, OK? Who told you that? – I saw you in the locker room
when you were changing. That thing is miniscule.
(all giggling) – No! No, listen! It’s not
miniscule, it just.. I’d gotten…
The locker room is freezing! – Oh my goodness.
– Take it easy, mon ami! We love you
just the way you are! (long lasting fart noise) Closed Captioning by SETTE inc. (fart noise continues)